Drake Hawklight

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Drake Hawklight

Post by Drake on Tue Mar 18, 2014 10:02 pm

Name: Drake Hawklight

Age: 14

Divine Ancestry: Son of Vulcan

Mortal Family: Elizabeth Hawklight (mother, single no step-father.)

Years in Camp: One year.

Rank: Legionnaire

History: He was mistreated by his parent, schoolmates, and teachers, so he had nowhere to go. He suffered through not only verbal abuse, but also physical. His mother was cruel to him, blaming him for everything, because he was unwanted, and people just felt like he was a pain and was bullied for his lack of friends. He became withdrawn and cold towards others, and became impulsive during his ordeal. So, one night, he decided to run away with a special friend of his, a guy he knew from hs neighborhood. He and his friend was directing them to the wolf house, his friend, a son of Febris, knew this from his mom who told him everything when he was encountered by a monster who later, died by an attack by a gang of cyclops, near Fresno, halfway there to their destination. They lived in Las Vegas, and they had to travel through the Death Valley, where the cyclops had first tracked them down. Then, they ambushed them near Fresno, and it was there where his friend had recieved his mortal wound. Drake had stopped for a few days in Fresno, and that endangered him, but, he was picked up by Lupa, and was lured/encouraged out of his grieving and was tested and trained. When he made it to camp, he was very shy, not making very many friends and often trained by himself. Often ate by himself, he often approached others to talk with them but got to nervous for fear of being rejected and bullied once more. He is planning on making friends during his second year at camp.

Physical Appearance: Drake is 5’10, with strong big legs. Due to training his arms got bigger but still are considered small. He has dark brown hair, with copper eyes. Most of the time he wears shorts and a t-shirt. His hands are unusaully soft even though he is a child of Vulcan.

Personality: Drake is hotheaded, and very defensive. Tends to charge into battle without thinking. When Drake is not on duty he is very shy and prefers small groups of people than large groups. However, if other people that are like himself and walk up to him but then walk away he would procede to stop them from walking away and invite them to sit or have a chat with him.

Fatal Flaw: Drake is very impulsive. He tends to charge into battle without thinking, and acts almost entirely upon impulse and instinct. This gets him into situations that are quite hard to get out of. Plus, he has no one to blame if he dies because of it- it’s him acting on his own impulsiveness.

Talents: A good mechanic. Really good with a two-handed sword.

Weapons: Has this big 4 foot two handed sword attached to his back and a gladius attached to his hip.

Other: Loves soccer, and excells at it. His only equal at his nieghborhood used to be his friend.


Last edited by Drake on Sat Mar 22, 2014 2:11 am; edited 5 times in total

Drake

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Re: Drake Hawklight

Post by Axel The Bunny on Tue Mar 18, 2014 10:15 pm

well lets see your app isnt half bad just a few problems with it.
'
First off, your history feels to brief to me, you need to add some details, such as his early life, and how his parents were mean since different people my have different ideas of mean. As well as why people treated him badly. Also since you've been in camp for a year, you should add a bit about his experience in camp.

secondly your personality, it feels too brief to me, the personality doesnt tell me anything about how he thinks, why is he introverted? is he shy? or just more socially awkward in a way such as being unable to relate to people? This section is more for how he thinks, why he thinks that way, and how he reacts to things.

You could also add a little more detail to fatal flaw, but that section isnt too bad.

fix these things and you should be good to go.

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Re: Drake Hawklight

Post by Cerulaen on Tue Mar 18, 2014 10:49 pm

I agree with everything Ax says, especially the detail on why people don't like him and the more detail in general for his history. I also have two little things:

1) It says he just has a mother, so who are these "parents" you speak of being mean to him? Was it just his mother? Or does he have a stepfather? Because the Roman gods interact with their children even less than the Greek ones do, so it sure wouldn't be Vulcan.
2) How did he and his friend know to go to San Francisco? Did someone tell them about the Legions? Or did the friend already know about the Camp from some source or other, and told Drake? I'd like to know.

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Re: Drake Hawklight

Post by Drake on Tue Mar 18, 2014 11:35 pm

Name: Drake Hawklight

Age: 14

Divine Ancestry: Son of Vulcan

Mortal Family: Elizabeth Hawklight (mother, single no step-father.)

Years in Camp: One year.

Rank: Legionnaire

History: He was mistreated by his mother, schoolmates, and teachers, so he had nowhere to go. His mother was cruel to him, blaming him for everything, because he was unwanted, and people just felt like he was a pain and was bullied for his lack of friends. He became withdrawn and cold towards others, and became impulsive during his ordeal. So, one night, he decided to run away with a special friend of his, a guy he knew from his neighborhood. He and his friend felt that they were being directed to San Francisco, his friend, a son of Febris, died by an attack by a gang of cyclops, near Fresno, halfway there to their destination. They lived in Las Vegas, and they had to travel through Death Valley, where the cyclops had first tracked them down. Then, they ambushed them near Fresno, and it was there where his friend had received his mortal wound. Drake had stopped for a few days in Fresno, and that endangered him, but, he was picked up by Lupa, and was lured/encouraged out of his grieving and was guided by the Wolf to the Legion, where he was taken in.

Physical Appearance: Drake is 5’10, with strong big legs. Due to training his arms got bigger but still are considered small. He has dark brown hair, with copper eyes. Most of the time he wears shorts and a t-shirt. His hands are unusually soft even though he is a child of Vulcan.

Personality: Drake is hot-headed, and very defensive. Tends to charge into battle without thinking. When Drake is not on duty he is very introverted and prefers small groups of people rather than large groups. When approached by people he will act cold, but he may warm up to you.

Fatal Flaw: Drake is very impulsive. And, as said before in personality, tends to charge into battle without thinking. This could get him in trouble when facing big and strong opponents where strategies and/or stealth is needed.

Talents: A good mechanic. Really good with a two-handed sword.

Weapons: Has this big 4-foot-two handed sword attached to his back and a gladius attached to his hip.

Other: Loves soccer, and excels in it. His only equal at his neighborhood was his friend.

//Not sure if I did enough editing.//


Last edited by Drake on Tue Mar 18, 2014 11:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Drake Hawklight

Post by Axel The Bunny on Tue Mar 18, 2014 11:51 pm

well your personality still needs a little expansion and you still have to address the problems with your time at camp, also you didnt really add the details on his early life, also you wouldnt be guided to camp first, but rather guided to the Wolf House, and from there they would have been tested by Lupa, and she would then if they passed given some training for a few weeks including training that would help them use the "homing" sense to find camp.

You still have to fix the personality and Fatal Flaw.

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Re: Drake Hawklight

Post by Drake on Tue Mar 18, 2014 11:53 pm

ok ill fix it up tonight and post it again tomorrow.

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Re: Drake Hawklight

Post by Axel The Bunny on Tue Mar 18, 2014 11:56 pm

also just try to edit the original app rather than reposting, as this makes it easier to find the final character app and also doesnt spam up the topic with posts, there is an edit button on your screen that appears for your posts.

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Re: Drake Hawklight

Post by Axel The Bunny on Sat Mar 22, 2014 1:21 am

well you added more to the app, I guess the personality is good, and you fixed the history, the only thing i can think that you need to add is a little about how his time in Camp Jupiter has been, add a little for that and then its good.

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Re: Drake Hawklight

Post by Axel The Bunny on Sat Mar 22, 2014 1:26 am

Alright Approved, wait for Ceru or Jake to approve it then your good to go

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Re: Drake Hawklight

Post by Cerulaen on Sat Mar 22, 2014 1:35 am

Since Ax assured me that hot-headedness and shyness can in fact reside in the same person, I'd say it looks all good. Approved. Welcome to the Legion! You are assigned the Third Cohort. Congrats!

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August Connelly; Son of Bacchus; Augur

'The girl was fierce, and was no stranger to hardship. However, she was unfamiliar with working within a pack, and her temperament often struck allies as well as opponents. She resisted any authority that wasn't her own, and refused to bend to anything less than her ideals.'

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Re: Drake Hawklight

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